First off, good morning fellow Nigerians, Christians and who ever else is dissing or supporting on this blog. I want to state first and foremost that I never used the term “sexual abuse” in this post. I have never been sexually abused my entire life. However, I have been on about researching abuse generally because I started to realize the reason I had been how I was was because I didn’t have confidence in myself as a human being and I struggled with self esteem for as long as I can remember. Abuse is not only sexual and what I refer to here is not sexual abuse but psychological (mental and emotional), manipulation and control. These are forms of abuse and this is what I was referring to.
When I joined COZA, I didn’t know my left from my right. I was finding my way and naturally I was drawn to the word and the fact that I thought this was the one church that would help me grow. As for my then pastor Biodun, I really did see him as a god. I knew nothing about God for myself and I wasn’t reading the bible. I felt he was the one that would help me understand and grow. At the time, I had been attending church for less than three years. I will not deny the fact that I lived my life as I pleased all the while I was in University and even afterwards but like every human being knows, there comes a time when you decide to get it together.
Secondly, I am not hurting or broken anymore. The times I mentioned those in the blog, I was talking about what was happening to me at the time. By God’s grace I crawled out of the self-destructive hole I had entered. This experience drove me to dig deeper and understand grace for myself. Not only that, it made me understand how wrong it is to fear ‘men of God’ and even treat them as God. And I dare say, if I didn’t have this experience, I wouldn’t understand what it means to have a relationship with God.
I have asked God for forgiveness, I hold no grudge against Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo or anyone displaying ignorance here or elsewhere. I did what I knew to do as it regards meeting church elders. Not just pastor Flo but others and it seemed no one could talk to Pastor Biodun. As for those saying people will loose their faith, I think that would turn out for their good eventually because when you loose your faith because of man,you would then be able to seek God for yourself and find truth. After all, the bible states that He wishes that ALL men come to the knowledge of truth.
Yes we were both guilty,I have not excused myself from the role I played. I was guilty as sin, however, I have come to know better. If you know anything about low self esteem, you would understand why it went on for as long as it did. Looking back, I think I expected him to know better than me but I know better now. That being said, the whole affair ended because I put my foot down. He made all sorts of propositions to me when I returned to Nigeria but I was looking to heal and move forward.
My aim with this blog is to show other ladies who suffered same fate at his hands both in Illorin and Abuja (some of whom have emailed me but are still trapped in guilt and shame to speak up) that there is nothing to be ashamed of. The clout he has over people can cause them to do thoughtless things but in the end, it’s all out there and I am at peace with myself and with God.
For those calling me a liar, please ask Pastors Biodun Fatoyinbo and Flo if I have lied. I rest my case!!! Ese Walter
