With heaviness of heart and gratitude to God for a life short lived, we, members of the National Order of Cabalocrats and Sacred Cows of Nigeria, announce the call to glory of our loving Father, Uncle, Husband, Brother, etc, Chief Fuel Subsidy Probe Report, whose sad demise occurred recently in a fatal video accident.
Although the enemies have done their worst as your death, clearly, is no ordinary eye, we, your family, friends, and political associates, are comforted by our certainty that you have gone to rest in the bosom of the Lord and in the celestial company of other faithfully departed probe reports like the power sector probe report, the Siemens probe report, the Halliburton probe report, and the pension fund probe report .
We are further comforted by the fact that you will certainly be joined in heaven by the SEC probe report and the Malabu oil probe report as soon as both reports are ready. We love you but God knows better. Sleep well till we meet to part no more.
Aso Rock (Aged Father)
PDP National Secretariat (Grand Uncle)
National Assembly (Uncle)
(2)Beneficiaries from demise:
Chief Femi Otedola
Oil cartel members too numerous to mention
(3) Soul-for-dollar politicians:
Honourable Farouk Lawan
Honourable Boniface Emenalo
Funeral arrangements as announced by the family.